Having a very hard time today - needed this as an outlet
I am a 2x breast cancer survivor who has always felt a bit of guilt when speaking to other survivors because I did not have to go through chemo or have my lymph nodes impacted. I know we are all survivors regardless of the journey but it has always been an element on my mind when I speak to women who have been through so much worse than I.
Which leads me to my friend. She and I became friends because our kids went to elementary together. That relationship grew with other Moms into High School and now college. Our kids have gone their separate ways but she's part of my "posse" and is a survivor who has been through hell and back due to her treatment. She's always so positive and a person who encourages others. Knowing our breast cancer history, she's extra special with me. A year ago she was cancer free and we celebrated. 2 weeks ago she fell due to feeling dizzy and found out she had a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. She had it removed and yesterday was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. She's been given 3-5 years of life if she goes through the treatment.
To say I am devastated is an understatement. I feel helpless. I feel guilt. I don't know what to do. I've cried so many tears that I look a mess. The rest of our posse is hurt and sad too but it's different with me. I'm questioning how to support her and know I need to straighten up my head before I reach out.
I felt comfortable coming here to express myself since I feel no one else understands but this Forum. Thank you for any words to help me so I can help her.
This is tough; I am so sorry that you & your friend are having to deal with this. It's okay if you tell her you don't know exactly what to say, but that you care deeply for her. You can be one of her safe spaces where she can share her feelings & her grief openly.
Make sure you also have emotional support from your own loved ones so that you can better support your friend. You need an outlet for your feelings too. We are here to support you through this as well. Please keep us updated on your friend. Prayers for all of you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I can tell that you have a big heart for others because the first thing you said is that you've had cancer twice, yet you haven't suffered enough. I can point you toward a lot of people who would say that you have!
One of the things that I want to point out is sort of a side note: Not that we should be comparing suffering, but regarding your treatment path, you can't tell how much someone has suffered by what treatments they went through. Some people may have side effects that others don't. Some people will have support, and others won't. Some people will suffer financially, and others won't. Some people will grow distant from their partner, while others will grow closer. And on and on.
About your guilt: I think this is pretty common. You hear this from people when a tornado skips over their house but destroys the rest of the street, or when soldiers live when the people fighting next to them die, or any other scenario where you feel "equal" but don't have an equal experience. I think you probably feel "equal" because you have both had breast cancer, but that's just not how cancer works any more than tornados or war or wildfires or mass shootings do.
Even though I think that guilt is a pretty common feeling, it's really unproductive to feel guilty, so please try not to. It doesn't help her in any way, and it certainly doesn't help you. Can you try to channel your feelings into 1. gratitude for your own continued health, and 2. thoughtful actions for your friend? Maybe you'd feel better if you could do something to help her, whether that's going to an appointment with her or bringing dinner or something along those lines.
Finally, remember that nobody knows what the future holds. The estimate of 3-5 years is not law. Everybody is different, and treatments are changing all the time. Don't lose hope.
I'm glad you reached out here, and I am sending my warmest wishes for your comfort and hers.