Change in friendships after cancer
I’ve been reflecting on my cancer journey and how grateful I am for the love I’ve received. While most relationships and friendships have deepened over the last year, there are some that have surprised and unfortunately disappointed me.
I find it easy to move forward with the ones that stood strong with me, but I’m wondering how you dealt with friends that faded away when you were at your worst? The ones that said “call me if you need me” and vanished for months, and then reappeared when you finished treatment like nothing happened?
Appreciate your perspective!
One of the first things I was told when I was diagnosed was to eliminate negative people in your life. I included those “friends” who disappeared because being around them was/is stressful for me. I am kind of I happen to see them but I don’t spend much time there. If they couldn’t stand with you for any reason you don’t need them in your life.
Thank you, and yes going thru this has definitely shined a light on what I do and don’t need in my life, and insincerity is one of those things I don’t need. I agree with you that I can still be kind in their presence without being overly involved. I’m sad to know I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. Thank you for sharing, appreciate you. ❤️
Sadly, I think it is much too common.
FYI.... If you or someone you know needs a listening ear or help formulating steps forwards or dealing with ANY issues in their journey, please have them contact me. I learned a lot back in the dark ages when you didn't talk openly about breast cancer and there wasn't much support. My husband worked in a hospital lab (finally retired after 44 years!) so we have some medical contacts that were wonderful to give us a few tips that really helped navigating breast cancer as an oddity in 1992 and being young. It was supposedly an "old ladies disease" back then. I have lots of years of experience thru American Cancer Society, Young Survival Coalition, and others helping women navigate the twists/turns, bumps/bruises, and healthcare. Feel free to give out my contact #913-206-4518 for others!
There are many reasons why people don't show up in the ways we think they should. Here are some I've heard:
• They think you are so strong and capable that they do not think they have anything to offer you. You are too impressive to need their help.
• They are afraid they will say the wrong thing. They do not think they have the verbal/social skills to meet the moment. Nobody wants to cause you any more pain that what you're already in.
• They don't know what to do. If you've never been through something, you don't know how to be of help.
• They think health issues, especially cancer, are private. Not so long ago, cancer was something you didn't speak about. In some cultures, that's still true today. Even if YOU seem comfortable talking about cancer, THEY might not be because of the way they were raised. They may think it is impolite to reference your cancer or your breasts.
• They think you already have a lot of friends helping you out. Sometimes people are a victim of their own perceived popularity.
We do not receive any training on how to act in moments like this. I know that I've fallen short with people I care about. I've even bought sympathy cards that I never sent because I didn't know what to write in them.
If there are people who shouldn't have a place in your life because they are toxic to you and the relationships are beyond repair, then by all means, clean house. But try to give grace to the ones who are good folks who just didn't follow your script for this situation. Most people are doing the best they can and have very busy lives of their own with issues you may not even know about. I definitely had two really good friends who were less attentive than I imagined they'd be during my cancer treatment. Both eventually apologized for not being there for me in the way they "should have." I never think about it now. I'd forgotten until I read your post. I mostly think about the people who came out of the woodwork to help me, and what a pleasant surprise that was.